A Mother’s Aching Heart

Dear Readers, This is a heart wrenching story. I haven’t written in awhile, so I chose a reading that is not easy to write about. My thought process is that once I can get through this story, I will keep the stories flowing.

I received a message on facebook from an acquaintance from high school. She told me that she had a friend who had lost a son, and she was in bad shape. Mentally and physically. I sent her a message back, but insisted that she not give me any information, just the woman’s first name and where she lived. Then we picked a time and place to do a reading.

Days before our appointment, I started waking up between 4:00 and 4:30 am. I didn’t just wake up, I would jump up and feel like I was having an panic attack and I was scared. Then during the two days before, I started feeling ill and dizzy. My mind felt foggy and I felt disoriented at times. I knew I was picking up on a spirit’s energy, and this spirit was on some kind of drugs. I could also feel that it was a male.

The morning of the reading, I did my usual prep for a reading and I opened myself up. On the way there I start feeling waves of incredible sadness and heart ache. I could sense a young male spirit, but he was not talking to me yet. I got the sense that he was sizing me up. I could feel his apprehension in trusting me.

When I got to the location in Huntington Beach, I saw Cali (my acquaintance from high school) out front. I can see another woman standing in the door way, and she is so frail. I can sense her sadness and anxiousness about my arrival. Cali then introduces me to DeeDee. (Like all of my other stories, these are made up names to protect my clients)

We got to the back yard of DeeDee’s little beach cottage, and I set out my sage, rosemary, and lavender candle then lit it. I also have a fresh bundle of lavender in a mason jar of water. At this point I can feel a young man’s energy passing behind me. I can feel how torn he is about talking to me, but he wants to talk to his mom. I can feel that he was not and is not a very trusting young man.

I usually sit and talk to my clients about how I read, and tell them to feel free to ask questions. I express how having someone there to take notes is key, because it will be hard to remember everything due to emotions.…..BUT, DeeDee’s son had other plans. He wanted to get to it, and get it over with. He wanted me to tell her he was there.

I tell DeeDee that her son is there and he is ready to talk. She cries out in shock, and then starts crying. At this point her son is telling me to tell her it is not her fault. So I do. DeeDee then starts to cry hysterically. I then know that this is going to be a long and painful reading. I look at Cali for help, not sure if I should stop or keep going. Cali then runs into the house to grab paper towels and a bag for DeeDee to breathe into, because she is hyperventilating.

During all of this, DeeDee’s son is pacing and his energy is becoming more intense. He keeps telling me that he hates this. He hates seeing his mom like this, he hates me for being there, he hates talking about what happened.

I am loosing control of this reading, so I need to stop and regroup. So I ask Cali to calm DeeDee down and I will focus on calming her son. Also, I finally ask her son’s name. It is Michael.

I can see Michael clearly now,and he is starting to calm down. He looks like he is in his 20’s and he has a mix of blondish/brown hair that is a little shaggy on top. He looks like a surfer. I tell DeeDee what I see and she confirms that it is Michael. I then ask her if Michael died from a drug overdose. She confirmed that he did. Then Michael is showing me what happened.

He is showing me that DeeDee found him and tried doing CPR, but it was too late, his heart had stopped. I then ask DeeDee if he died at around 4:00 or 4:30 am in the morning. I then explain how I have been jolting out of bed for days around that time. She tells me that she checked on Michael at 2:30 am and he was alive, then she when she got up in the morning around 7:15 am she checked on him again and he was unresponsive. (NOTE: DeeDee is still very upset and crying during all of this, but she is so brave, so she is fighting through the pain and tears)

The coroner said the time of death was between 3 & 6 am.

Michael now wants to make sure his mom knows that there was nothing she could do. His heart had, had enough. From years of drug abuse, and from taking something to help him sleep, that was laced with something that his heart couldn’t take. He also wants me to make it clear that it was an accident. He did not take is own life. At this point DeeDee is hysterical again. Cali then tells me that it was unknown if it was an accident or not, so this is why DeeDee had Cali contact me. She needed to know.

I could feel Michael fading out at this point. He completely cut off our communication. I told DeeDee that his energy backed away from me.

As a medium I not only have to read how my client is reacting, but the spirit that I am communicating with. In this instance, I sensed Michael backing away so his mom could take a break and calm down. He was also having a hard time watching her in the state she was in. So I guided the conversation in a different direction, until Michael wanted to talk again.

I also have to mention that during this entire time that I have been communicating with Michael, a black cat was sitting under my chair, and the moment Michael stopped communicating, the black cat wondered off. DeeDee told me that the black cat was Michael’s.

While DeeDee was calming herself, she wanted to tell me about Michael, but I was completely distracted. My spirit guides were drawing my attention to my left where there was a large shed in the yard. I was about to get up and check it out, when Michael’s energy came back.

I told DeeDee he was back and he wanted to talk about a female and a child, then he shows me a second child, both boys. Then he shows me an image of the United States and a long blue line. When I am reading a spirit and they show me a blue line or a long blue line, it is the symbol for water. The longer the line, the farther the distance. DeeDee then verifies that Michael’s girlfriend and son’s live in Australia. I then tell her that Michael is saying that he died before his second son was born, but his spirit held his son before he was born.

Michael then says to me, “Reality”, which confuses me, but I say it out loud. DeeDee is shocked. She says that Michael was in Australia with his girlfriend doing a reality show. At the beginning he was drug free, and while filming the show his girlfriend became pregnant with their first son.

DeeDee then tells me that she blames the reality show for her sons death. Between all of the drama that goes with a reality show and he was going to become a dad, the stress and pressure was to much for him. He started using drugs again. the production company would create problems to enhance the drama on the show. They loved having an unstable character that they could manipulate.

Michael and his girlfriend became huge celebrities in Australia and they had to live their lives in the public eye. The birth of their son was a big deal, and Michael was hanging on, but his drug problem was getting worse. Then the paparazzi was relentless. So Michael decided to come home.

DeeDee said that Michael came home from Australia a mess. He tried to get clean, but the press and production company in Australia were still obsessed with making him the bad guy and making up more lies to create more publicity.

As DeeDee is telling me Michael’s story, I still keep looking at the shed in the yard. I tell her that Michael is telling me to go to the shed and go inside. DeeDee starts really crying. I then ask her if it ok with her and she nods yes.

I walk to the shed and open the door. I look in and see a couch that has blankets and a pillow on it. Then I see Michael sitting on the couch. He says, “This is where my mom found me.” I then start crying. He shows me again what happened that horrible morning, and I feel sick. I then can sense DeeDee standing behind me in the door way. I tell her what I am seeing and what Michael is telling me. Michael is the saying over and over..”Tell her how sorry I am and it’s not her fault.”

Michael then stood up and walked away.

I told DeeDee that Michael was gone, and I could sense that he was done talking to me. So DeeDee, Cali, and I sat for awhile and talked. I made sure that DeeDee really understood his message because she was hysterical at times during the reading. She then thanked me for helping her communicate with her son. She said it was the first time since his death that she felt like he was really there. She could feel him and that meant the world to her.

Before I left, I took the fresh lavender that I had on the table and gave it to DeeDee and told her to let it dry and keep it as a reminder of her and Michael’s reading and the amazing message he gave her. I gave DeeDee a huge hug and then left.

I couldn’t wait to get to my car. I was exhausted and my heart hurt. I got in the car and started screaming, then I cried….A LOT!! Since I was in Huntington Beach, I took Pacific Coast Highway home. I had to pull over in Newport Beach and walk on the beach to calm down and digest what had happened.

Doing readings where I connect with a young person who has passed away is so hard for me. And, communicating the message to the distraught parent is heart wrenching, but I would do anything to help them with their grief. Having sons myself, I could not even fathom the pain. When you lose a child or any loved one too soon, there is never closure, but I can try to give someone the answers they are looking for and possibly some peace.

This reading was done during COVID. (October 2020) It has taken me this long to write and share about this experience. I wrote this based on my notes and bad memory, so I know I left a lot of details out. It is a reminder to me that not all readings are happy, but I love that my gift can help people. It fills my soul. And, I have many more soul filling stories to share.

Until then……